Hungry for Control
by Hunting Angels
Summary: Sam lacks any form of control in his life. This causes him to develop a eating disorder which worries Dean. Dean sets about trying to help his little brother. Worried!Dean. Eating disorder.


Sam pulled his gray t-shirt over his head and sighed quietly as the material hung off him as if he were wearing a tent. The t-shirt was once tight and clung to his muscular chest and back. Now, it blew around loosely in the breeze. He pulled his jacket on over the top, in a feeble attempt to mask the severity of the ill-fitting clothing. He adjusted his belt, making it one notch tighter, but it still was slightly loose.

He turned his face in the bathroom mirror, glancing at his hollow cheeks and dark smudges under his hazel eyes. He tried not to sigh again as Dean called in from their motel room bedroom.

"Come on, Sammy!" Dean's impatience resonated through his voice. "We gotta get movin'!"

Running a hand through his limp hair, Sam turned to leave the bathroom but not before glancing at himself in the mirror once again. The pale light of the lamp above the mirror accentuated his thin appearance, Sam hoped that was the case anyway.

He stepped out of the en suite to be greeted by the sight of his brother with his arms crossed, tapping his finger against his bicep impatiently. Sam managed to spread an apologetic smile across his lips as he grabbed his duffle bag and headed for the door.

The elder Winchester rolled his eyes before following his brother out to the parking lot. Dean smoothed his hand over the trunk of the dark Impala before pulling it open and tossing his bag inside. He waited for Sam to put his in too before slamming it shut with a metal clang and climbing into the drivers side. The man tapped the steering wheel impatiently as Sam made the journey from the rear of the car to the passenger door. It seemed agonizingly slow for Dean, who had already resulted in hollering for his brother to "Hurry up and get your ass in the car!"

Sam breathed in deeply before collapsing into the small space of the Impala. Dean looked over at him, unimpressed, before leaving the car park, wheels screaming. Their car journey started in silence as both Winchesters were lost in their own thoughts. Miles of smooth black tarmac were lost beneath the men as the reliable car ate up the distance with ease. Dean couldn't help but smile as he thought about his baby and all the trouble she had saved him from or, in a few cases, taken him to. He patted the dashboard and glanced over at his brother, glad he wasn't paying enough attention to mock him about it.

Dean watched his brother carefully. Sam had his head leaned against the window with his arms strewn lazily across his lap. His breath left condensation against the glass while he was lost inside his mind. You could have easily mistaken the man for being asleep apart from his eyes that were slightly parted allowing him to watch what was going on in the world around him. Sam permitted himself the occasional blink as his body remained practically motionless. Dean would have said that the young Hunter looked exhausted.

The elder brother sighed gently. Leaning forward, he peered out the windscreen for any signs of a next town. He wanted to stop and refuel, both for the car and also it's passengers. After a few moments, they passed a sign drawing attention to a town only a few miles up the road. Dean nodded to himself and pressed down harder on the accelerator, he wasn't waiting around.

Sam had always liked to exercise control. As a child he experienced the kind of chaos and a lack of control that would strike fear in anybody. In the Winchester's constant stream of case after case, motel after motel and stranger after stranger Sam struggled in the life that he'd been thrown into. He fought against the panic that rose during a poorly planned hunt or the dark feeling in his stomach as they bid another farewell to a motel that had became their home. Little Sam had little, if any, control over the flow of instructions that dragged his ass from one place to the next.

Living on edge made him crave sustainability like a drug. 'Long-term' to was a phrase that rarely graced a Winchester's lips. This made Sam itch to control something... anything.

12 years later and Sam could still feel the grasp of chaos wrapping around him. Over the years, he had bought, borrowed and stole back control over many parts of his life but he still felt like he had to fight to stop his grip on his life slipping. As a result, Sam strictly controlled a few parts of his life without deviation. His diet faced the bore front of his mildly obsessive personality.

Sam shivered as he was brought back to reality by Dean's gruff voice, "Sammy? Are you there? Earth to Sam."

The younger Hunter shivered again as the cold bit right down to his bones. He tucked his fingers up into the material of his hoodie before answering, "Yeah?"

Dean rolled his eyes before glancing over at his brother, "I was just saying that we'll stop in the next town for food."

Sam watched as the world blurred out of his window. He nodded silently, agreeing with his elder brother. Dean seemed satisfied with Sam's reaction as he once again focused on the road ahead. They both sighed steeling themselves for the journey they had in front of them.

The smell of the diner made Sam's empty stomach flip. The odor of grease and strong coffee filled his nostrils. Dean sighed happily as he entered the eating establishment after his little brother. They quickly chose a small booth near one of the large windows. Children's sticky fingerprints decorated the large pane of glass. It gave Sam the overwhelming urge to grab a cloth and wipe it over. His fingers twitched as he tried to restrain the impulse to remove the marks.

"Sam?" Dean's voice pulled him away from the distracting prints.

"Mmm?" The younger Winchester peered over at the man opposite him.

"I asked, what will you be having?" Repeated Dean. He tried to make his interest seem casual but it was obvious there was more to it then general curiosity.

Sam glanced down and noticed that a menu had been placed between his arms that rested on the table. He didn't recall the waitress leaving the menu. He glanced at the grubby window and scowled. _Stupid distracting bloody window_, he thought.

The younger brother picked the menu up and let his eyes scan over the options. He could almost feel the impatience rolling off Dean as he carefully considered every meal on the laminated sheet. He briefly glanced over the burger section before reminding himself of the benefits of a healthy and controlled diet. His eyes then searched the menu for something green. He was almost shocked when he noticed that the diner did nothing that could be called healthy even at a push.

Sam was about to answer Dean's question when a waitress with short bobbed hair stopped at their table with notepad and pen in hand. Her eyes widened slightly as she took in the thin appearance of the younger man. She glanced around the room lazily as she asked the boys for their order. Sam frowned as he could hear her chew on the gum that span around and around in her mouth. A small shiver of disgust tickled down his spine as he attempted, desperately, to ignore the loud chewing.

"And you?" Her nasal voice asked, briefly stilling her constantly moving jaw. _Don't her jaw muscles get tired?_ Sam pondered to himself.

"D'you have anything... salady?" He glanced up at their waitress. Her eyes were focused on the people walking passed the smudged window, seemingly oblivious to the toddler's greasy finger paintings.

She still didn't look at Sam as she answered, "Um, yeah. We have omelette." She said it as though it were obvious.

"No, an omelette with," He glanced down at the menu, "Two types of cheese, bacon and grease fried mushrooms, is definitely not healthy. Let alone 'salady'"

The woman stared down at him. She obviously wasn't used to being confronted about what was allowed to be called 'salady'. Someone should have warned her that the salad police had arrived. Sam could almost feel the irritation rolling off both her and Dean but to be honest, he didn't care. He slapped on his best bitch-face and crossed his arms, "I'll pass."

The waitress seemed almost grateful as she scuttled away. Sam could hear Dean sigh. He could picture the weary face wipe that usually accompanied the sound. He knew that his brother was preparing himself for a talk. A talk that San was eager to avoid.

"Sam."

The younger Winchester pretended that he wasn't expecting Dean to speak, "Um, yeah?"

"You haven't eaten anything today..." He continued when Sam didn't answer. "Yesterday, you only picked at dinner. You have to eat something."

It was usual for Dean to express his concern. That's not to say he didn't care, no not at all. Dean cared and was often worried about his brother but avoided awkward situations at all costs.

Sam sighed and tried to put a reassuring smile on his face, "Don't worry about it, Dean. I'll get something on the way outta town."

The waitress appeared at their table again with Dean's black coffee. She glanced over at Sam in what seemed similar to fear. She obviously didn't want him kicking up a fuss again. Dean smiled at the woman and poured sugar into the dark liquid. Sam watched as each grain of sugar fell from the yellow packet and into the coffee. His eyes were hooked as Dean added a second sachet carelessly. A few of the small pieces scattered across the diner's table towards Sam.

He carefully studied the grains of sugar that had stopped centimeters from his skin. He could feel his body craving the sweet substance so much so that it almost wouldn't matter what form it was in. He'd be happy with a sugary doughnut or sweets packed to the brim with the stuff. He licked his chapped lips at the thought and swallowed. It'd been along time since he had permitted himself anything sugary since he had always been keen to keep himself fit. Recently, the need to be fit and only feed himself the good stuff had grown until it seemed to be on his mind at all hours of the day. He shook his head in an attempt to distract himself.

Dean studied his brother carefully. You'd have to be either blind or stupid not to notice Sam's weight loss and Dean was neither. The young man's wrists and long fingers were painfully thin. His brother's cheekbones stuck out further than usual. Dark circles under his hazel eyes made him look already dead. People in the street would slow and stare at Sam's skeletal form wondering, and asking on one or two occasions, whether his brother had some type of fatal disease.

Dean knew his brother's dietary habits. The consumption of anything green and leafy and strict control of anything greasy or unhealthy was how his kid brother worked, especially more recently. As a child, Sam ate normally most of the time. He always tried for the healthier options but was never overly fazed by having a large burger or salty chips. Now, Dean couldn't even imagine those foods touching his brother's lips. He wondered if something in College had caused this tightening of control since once he returned, he'd been eating healthier than an athlete.

The younger brother tapped impatiently on the table top. The constant rhythm annoyed Dean. Luckily for him, the waitress strolled over to the table and dumped his plate in front of him unceremoniously. The elder Winchester thanked her and watched as she glanced another look at his brother. She probably thought that he was practically emaciated and that made Dean feel guilty.

"Sam?" The tall man didn't respond as his eyes were stuck to Dean's plate of food, "Sam?"

The tall man blinked and peered up at his brother, "Yeah?"

"Are you sure you won't have anything?" The worry was clear in the elder's voice.

"I'll stop at a store or something. They may have something better." Sam dismissed his brother's concern with a wave of his hand before settling down to wait for Dean again.

There was a quiet rumbling noise. Dean peered up at the sky through the grubby glass to see if maybe a storm was heading in. The sky was a light blue and the clouds floated by like smoke from a steam engine train. A crease formed in the short man's brow as he looked across at his baby brother that had his arms curled around his flat stomach as it grumbled in hunger.

He was obviously concerned for his brother but Sam was a stubborn dick that very rarely shared when something was wrong or on his mind. Dean knew that the young man hadn't been eating since it's something you can't really hide when you spend practically 24 hours in someone's presence.

Dean sighed to himself and ate the food that was placed in front of him. He felt slightly guilty as his brother eyed his food hungrily but tried not to blame himself. After all, Dean wasn't stopping Sam eating.

The journey from Little Rock, Arkansas to a small town on the way into Dallas, Texas seemed to drag for the boys as they sat in awkward silence inside the dark Impala. Sam still thinking about control in his chaotic life while Dean thought carefully about his brother.

It was while they were still sat eating in that diner that the elder brother had decided that Sam needed help. He didn't care whether that was professionally or just having Dean there to support him. All he cared about was how Sam's hands were beginning to shake as his body craved the sugar that the Hunter had forbidden for himself.

His mind was still occupied by those thoughts as he noticed a sign for the town further along the road. He sighed in relief as they hadn't barely shared more than a few sentences along the way. Although, they were too caught up in themselves to notice the silence too much. Sam hadn't noticed the sign as he stared unseeingly out if the window.

Dean pulled up onto the side of the main road and drove down a gravel road that seemingly led off towards some sort of farmhouse a few hundred yards down the track. The bouncing of the car brought Sam back into the present with a confused look and questioning eyes. Almost halfway down the track, Dean pulled the car to the side of the road and parked it there. Sam peered around the darkening scenery, trying to understand where they were.

The dark surroundings gave nothing away apart from that they weren't actually at their destination, "Dean?"

Sam's college brain was working overtime to come up with an explanation for their sudden stop. The younger Hunter looked concerned as he looked back over at his brother.

"Sam, we need to talk." Dean could see his brother freeze in his seat, not even breathing. Sam almost seemed as though he was afraid to blink in case it'd make Dean attack him.

"About what?" He tried for casual and failed. The phrase, 'Deer in the headlights' tugged at the back of Dean's mind.

"You're hungry, Sammy. You are, don't deny it." Dean struggled to balance on the line of concerned and stern. He was beginning to wish that he'd spent more time thinking out what he was going to say. "It... It can't continue..."

The taller man open and closed his mouth like a fish, "There's no 'it'" His argument was weak and he knew it. His brother spent almost every waking hour with Sam, how could he not notice?

"Yes there is. Look... I know this is... difficult for you but you're killing yourself." The elder man fought for words to express himself. He didn't care if it was a chick-flick moment, this was for his baby brother. "I want- No, need- I need you to get help." He tried to ignore the tightening of his throat, "I need you, Sammy. I don't know what I'd do without you but, look at you, you're killing yourself and it hurts to have to watch you do that."

Sam ducked his head in shame. He didn't realize that his actions were having such an impact on his brother and only friend.

"You need to stop. Being as thin as you are isn't healthy, it's not something to aspire to. You shouldn't want to be like that. It's-"

Sam interrupted his brother, "It's not that."

Dean frowned in confusion and studied the other man, "It isn't?"

"It's not being thin." Sam shook his head while a sigh escaped his dry lips, "It's the control. I need the control that I exert over my diet and my body." Dean had a confused crease in his brow causing Sam to continue, "Dean... Our lives are chaos. We never settle, we never stay, we never know where we're going next or for even how long. I need control and I can't get it."

"So it's not like... trying to be thin?" Sam had always been a slight control freak but he never realized that it had grown so out of, ironically, control.

Sam shook his head and strands of long hair flopped over his hazel-green eyes. His eyes met with Dean's and relief passed from the younger to the elder. He had kept it all so bottled up for so long that it felt good to finally have it out there.

"Well, that's the issue. Now, a solution?" Dean asked uncertainly, unsure to whether there even was any sort of solution but willing to help find one.

Sam shrugged but with further light encouragement he spoke aloud his thoughts, "I suppose I need more control over stuff..."

The elder Hunter's face flushed awkwardly after a second of thinking, "That's not like a... bedroom thing, right?"

Sam chuckled slightly and smiled reassuringly at his brother, "No, it's not."

"I was gonna say, I can't help ya in that department!" The blush in Dean's cheeks subsided but a curious look was still playing on his features, "So like deciding where we go and stuff. Being in charge of that?"

"I suppose that's a part of it so yeah." Sam honestly didn't know as he had never had the chance to try and grasp control.

"Okay then." Dean pulled out the map and a stack of possible cases, which Bobby had given them, from the back seat. "Where to, Skipper?... I didn't just call you Skipper. Ignore that." Dean grinned at himself.

Sam peered down at the large map and pile of cases that they had put in the car less than a week before, "You sure, Dean? I mean... it might not even work..."

The driver glanced across at Sam as he started the car and began to drive back up to the main road, "It can't hurt to try, Sammy. Let's start fresh, yeah? Maybe even push your control into other areas, maybe cleaning out the back seat?" Dean laughed out loud at his own joke and Sam couldn't help the chuckle that bubbled in his throat.

Sam smiled to himself and he glanced down at the cases. He pulled one out that immediately caught his eye. He flicked through the pages and studied the map that was spread out across his lap. It was over 5 hours to drive there and Sam wasn't sure that he wanted to put Dean through that again.

The elder Winchester saw the hesitation on his brother's face so clapped a hand against his painfully thin shoulder while a reassuring smile grew on his lips, "Wherever you wanna go, Sammy. It's your call."

His long finger pointed to Jackson, Mississippi, making creases form in the thin paper, "Here, I think. Jackson, Mississippi. Apparently there's a possible vampire problem. Bobby's file says that it's small at the moment but he doesn't doubt that they're planning to expand."

"Sure?"

"Yep."

"Jackson, Mississippi it is then." The driver glanced in the mirrors before hauling the car around in a squeal of rubber against tarmac.

The night was getting dark and Sam knew that they were going to have to stop over night somewhere but honestly couldn't care any less. This was his new start and he was going to grab it by both hands not matter what. He realized that everything wasn't resolved but this was the start and for the first time in a long time, good things lay in his future. Nothing could detract from that moment... apart from the sudden loud grumbling in his stomach.

"Hey, Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"First, let's get a burger."

Sam couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Dean smile so widely. He could also feel his own grin on his lips and it felt good.


End file.
